The hardest post I’ve ever written 8/13/2005
Ok, folks, here it is. I’m going to be really transparent on my blog today. I generally try to be, but I know that it might make some of you uncomfortable. Still I believe we glorify God most when we are real. I don’t promise it will be pretty…just honest. We believe that the journey, the process, is as important as the outcome of this trip. And most of the journey is an internal one. So here is a glimpse of my internal journey…
Obviously, we were hit pretty hard by the outcome of this second referral. It was so hard to say no, and looking back it wasn’t even so much because of the boy, though he was sweet and we pray hard that he is adopted by a loving family very very soon. The reason it was so difficult for us (and me especially) was because the cycle of frustration and doubt (along with a lot of waiting) followed by hope and a sense of possibility followed by crushing disappointment followed by hope for “the next time” followed by frustration and doubt…etc. etc… is a cycle we thought we had overcome when we came to grips with our decision to adopt and left our infertility behind. Through grace and trust, I had reached a place of peace and knew that this path of adoption was the path that God had chosen for us - at least for now - for our first child. With this peace and sense of God’s will, we moved forward towards adopting.
But as we experienced the repeated disappointment on Friday with this second referral, I found all those past emotions flooding back - overwhelming, suffocating, dark, and despairing, and worst of all - a feeling of hopelessness. I feared that “the cycle” was going to take over my life again. I cried most of the way back from Cherkasy (the region where we were) to Kiev. I cried a good bit for the boy, but mostly, selfishly, I cried for myself and my own hurt as the years of pain tried to descend upon me like a dark cloud - a ghastly and familiar dark cloud. But I was not overcome! God has done a real work of change in me, and while it was one of the hardest battles fought yet, even as I cried, I cast my fears before the Lord, and felt them, slowly, one by one, lift away. The difficulty with this process of “casting your fears on Him” is that each fear, each painful memory, has to be felt all over again (ouch), let go, and replaced with God’s truth, with His version of the situation because His version is the only right version. What seems awful and disappointing today will lead to God’s perfect will and utter joy tomorrow. If we accept this and surrender to His leading, we can live a life of adventure, peace, and joy that is beyond imagining. Sometimes, like last night, we get a glimpse, a foretaste so to speak, of that perfect joy and peace that can only be found in Him.
Back to the story…
Still feeling heavy-hearted, we returned to Kiev and got settled into our new flat. The first thing we did was get online to read the e-mails and comments that had been sent since Thursday. I was starting to feel a bit better, but still quite emotional. I was still fighting the internal demons of doubt and fear. I was seeing the giants again and feeling they were growing in strength, numbers, and power to defeat us. How were we possibly going to get a good referral in this kind of environment!? Why? How? It seemed impossible. We sat down and got online to read over e-mails and comments. We were feeling very tired, emotionally drained, and it didn’t take much to get us crying. E-mails from family and friends have touched us deeply here and helped to keep us connected to our “real life” outside of this bizarre adventure we seem to be in the middle of. Sometimes they contain news and sometimes they just let us know folks are thinking about us and praying for us. Sometimes they contain actual prayers that make us cry as our spirits agree and respond to the collective work that God is doing. Sometimes there are scriptures that people feel are encouraging or pertinent to our situation, and these are read with hope and gratitude. But tonight there was even more, and it seemed like God was speaking to us in a new way, more clearly and more specifically. Our God, it would seem, has us here going through this process and experiencing these difficulties and heartaches, and obstacles, for one particular reason - and this is in fact the thing we wanted most - that He might be glorified through the process and most especially by the result. Be careful, they say, what you ask for, because you might get it.
God has basically promised us that He will be faithful to complete this process here. We will find our children and there will be joy for everyone to share in. There have been several prophecies spoken about this and the latest are downright dizzying in their awesomeness.
We want to publicly worship and honor God as the orchestrator of all of this, and we give Him thanks in advance for His faithfulness to us. When it comes to pass, we hope that all of you who have witnessed it will do more than just be happy for us as we start our new life as parents - but that you will seriously consider the power, goodness, and faithfulness of God and praise Him for it! And, if you do not know Him personally, consider the joy of surrendering to Him. Knowing God is the sweetest, most amazing thing in the world and I desire that all of you would know the joy, peace, and thrill that is found in Him. Just like we will never be the same after this experience, those who give their lives to God truly are never the same again. Never - that’s eternity, and it can start at any moment.
To Him be the glory!!
What a wonderful post. It is hard to really express to others what you are feeling when you are in the depths of adoption faliures or cycle failures. You did a great job!
May the LORD continue to bless you in your journey.
Wow! God is really working in and through you, and touching every one of us in unimaginable, amazing ways. To watch Him strengthen your faith and trust, and experience Him doing the same in me, truly is awesome. And now to have you publicly give Him such glory, and declare His goodness and love to all who read this - truly honors and blesses Him!! And pleases Him!
Well done, good and faithful servants. I can’t wait to see the outcome….
Abundant love and hugs! Mom
That’s it! To God be the Glory! I couldn’t agree more with what your mom posted. Wow, my understanding of faith and God’s intention with faithfullness is growing by leaps and bounds as I adventure with you. I love you guys so much and look forward to seeing the details of how God reveals His majesty!
It’s an amazing thing when we are able to 100% let go of wanting control, let go of our fears and let go of our plans and surrender it completely to Him. For some reason we want to hold on to these things tightly. Yet, when we finally lay it down there is such a release and peace about giving it to the Father. When we can truly say, God, I want what You would have for me and truly mean it, is when He has permission to do marvelous miracles in our lives and hearts. The way I see it, only He knows the end from the beginning AND He loves me and wants to give me good gifts. So, why on earth would I want my measily little preconceived notions of happiness over His perfect plan? Do you know how many times it tells us in the Bible to defend the fatherless? He will defend you too. Oh Jodi, He is so good. I am so excited to see who He has picked out for you. No matter what things “seem” to be, don’t let your eyes go to the circumstance, keep them on the prize. There may be more bumps, but He is the Author and FINISHER of our faith. He who began a good work in you is ABLE to complete it. Oh ya, someone else just posted on the big board that they got their perfect referral on their THIRD appointment. Remember to just praise Him!
What does God have to do with adoption? Do you think God plans to have families torn apart? Do you think it’s God’s will that some countries suffer enourmous poverty so that you can come in and take the children away? Wouldn’t God rather that you help children to stay with their families rather than take a child out of his or her country to satify your urge to parent?
Jenny,
I don’t know who you are, and I’m half-inclined to just delete your comment, as I find it quite unwelcome. Still, I will instead briefly address each of your points. First, God is all about adoption. He is the Father to the fatherless, Jesus and the apostles taught about caring for widows and orphans as being at the very center of the heart of God. And most importantly, God Himself has adopted us as His own children, and this is most definitely portrayed as a very good thing!! God is all for adoption.
As for “tearing families apart”, one of the reasons we are adopting from Ukraine is because the children available are truly orphans (as in their parents are dead) or they are utterly abandoned (as in nobody claims them nor has visited them in well over 14 months). This is tragic, and by adopting such children, no families are being torn apart. Rather, a loving family is being made where there was none.
Finally, you bring up the issue of taking a child out of his or her country. Would you rather every person remained in the country of his or her birth? All of Africa should only be populated by Africans and all of North America should be reverted back to a land of Native American Indians?? Of all the arguments against adoption, this is one of the silliest I’ve ever heard proposed. I love the country of Ukraine, and while we do not intend to raise our children here, they will know of their heritage and will be brought back here on occasion to enjoy it. Finally, our children will retain their Ukrainian citizenship until age 18 at which time, they can decide for themselves if they wish to return to their country of origin and enjoy that citizenship. So while they will be raised elsewhere, it isn’t like they cease to be Ukrainian. (Many of the orphans are not native Ukrainians anyhow!)
Honestly, I can’t believe I took the time to address these empty and hateful words. What do you have against adoption? I do desire to parent. Is that so wrong? “Unwanted” children in the U.S. are aborted or raised by kin almost 95% of the time. The alternative is I can spend thousands of dollars lining the pockets of infertility doctors, but we choose instead to bring parentless children into a family that by the grace of God will NOT be torn apart!?!
I stand proudly behind our decision to adopt from Ukraine!
Amen! Praise be to God. U guys are on fire; Caleb and Joshua would be proud.
What does God have to do with adoption?
EVERYTHING beloved! He’s a Father to the orphan. Orphans are kids without family to care for them; God wants them to know HE cares. He cares for u too. Blessings.
I am sorry Jenny but as an adoptive parent myself I am upset by your comment as well. Unlike Jodi’s adoption my child was adopted from the region in the US in which I live. In no way did I “tear a family apart” nor do I feel that I made this decision alone to “satisfy my urge to parent.”
Parents are not the parents of their children simply because they birthed them. Parents are made of something completely different.
I am going to assume that you have not thought through your response. Since if you had you would know that not all children are desired by the people who have conceived them. The LORD brings these children to the Earth to be with other families who need and want them. And yes, I used the word need. Sometimes we need all sorts of things. Jodi and Steve would have conceived their child years ago, but the LORD had a different plan.
I cannot believe how insensitive you have been to the feelings of a very dear friend of mine and to myself, since I too am an adoptive mother.
Jodi and Steve I know that the LORD has brought a child here just for you. May you continue to exude grace and faith in this process.
Jodi,
Your growing faith is inspiring. Thanks for sharing and helping us all to keep everything in perspective. God continues to bless us all through this process.
Laurel
Jodi, It is apparent that you hold your identity in Christ and stand firm knowing that you are a child of God. Unfortunately, it seems we cannot say the same for Jenny. I pray that the truth of Christ be revealed to her so that she can know the abundant living that God has planned for each of those who know him.
I have asked another adoptive parent from our church to join me in praying for your journey and that God’s plan would be carried out and that He would continue to be glorified. I can see clearly, that your faith has brought you this far and it will continue to see you through.
I love reading all the comments on this journal as the family of God gathers around to support you. Reminds me of when Aaron and Hur held up Moses arms. Even when Moses’ arms were tired there was a brother to hold him up so that God’s will could be carried out. Jodi and Steve, If your arms are tired, it’s OK to lean on your brother (or sister), just keep looking up! Exodus 17:8-15
God is good all the time, ALL the time God is good.
He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the Lord!
~Psalm 113:9
How evident is THAT that God supports adoption??
Blessing to you, Steve, and LT.
You are doing everything right, thought nothing feels that way now. We had to travel to the thrid referral, and I had 2 young boys waiting for me. It was so very hard. But had we not gone, we would not have Cora as a part of our lives. And we are blessed. I learned that my time means nothing, and that the lesson may not be obvious, now. Enjoy your stay, be grateful that you do not have children at home waiting, and continue having faith-it WILL get your though. I am living proof.
Penny
Perhaps the child you intend to adopt is an orphan? Do you mean both parents are dead? That child does have an extended family. Would it not be more Christian to sponsor a poor family rather than just keep taking children out of foreign countries?
As for the person who said that children who get adopted are unwanted they might like to look deeper. With international adoption it’s always from poor countries and poor families who can’t afford to raise that child. That doesn’t mean that child is unwanted. I don’t agree with what you are doing. That doesn’t mean I am not a Christian. People who adopt are not saints, they are not rescuing anybody. They are only thinking of themselves and taking a child because they are infertile. If you want to look at God’s will then how come you can’t have children? Does that mean that God has judged you unfit to be parents? Or do you just decide as you go along what God’s will is. Oh yes, it’s God’s will that you take children away from poor families, yes let’s all believe that. Let’s all quote passages from the bible to support our actions.
Jenny,
I won’t address most of your comments, and I would like to politely ask that you not post any further slanderous comments on this site. It does not contribute to the purpose of my site, so I think it is well within my rights to say that.
I would like to clarify one important point. I can’t speak to other nations, but in Ukraine, if a child is visited by ANY family member, no matter how distant, that child is NOT permitted to be adopted. As a matter of fact, a large percentage of the children living in orphanages are in fact there because the families love the children but cannot afford to care for them due to their poverty. Ukraine is very in support of keeping families together and so are we! So when I say the children we will adopt are orphaned or abandoned, it means they are truly abandoned. These children are utterly and completely alone save the people who care for them because it is their job to do so. They absolutely need to be rescued from this environment, though I will not even begin to pretend that is why we are doing this. By the way, you are right about one thing - no child is unwanted or unloved! But the people who love and want them are not always those who conceived and birthed them.
Again, I politely ask you to refrain from further inflammatory comments.
Thank you. I’m sorry for your bitterness and hope you will someday find peace.
Jenny,
I know many very fertile families who have chosen to adopt. I’m not infertile. I have 4 fabulous biological children, great, healthy pregnancies and a body that could probably birth 4 more with ease. We feel that God has ASKED us to adopt. There are millions of orphaned children in the world and not enough people who are WILLING to parent them. Would you rather that these precious children be raised in an overcrowded daycare situation 24/7 and grow up to be put out on the streets during their teen years? Do you know what happens to those kids? Have you done ANY research at all? I don’t know where you get the idea that all of these children are wanted by their extended families. It takes a lot more than money to raise a kid, I assure you. It is a life investment that some people just don’t want to undertake. When God tells us to care for the orphans and widows in their distress, do you think He means that we are just to send money? Or do you think that maybe we are supposed to invest our lives into a few of them and daily show them that their Heavenly Father loves them desperately and did not forget them. I could say so much more about this but I don’t think Jodi’s blog is the place for it. Maybe God allows infertility so that adoption will cross the minds of the FITTEST of parents before their quiver is so full that they can’t fit any more kids in their house:) After all, He is the FATHER to the fatherless and who would want to entrust his children to unfit parents.
Steve and Jodi,
I hope you see Jenny’s comments for what they are. Keep your spiritual eyes open! I have been on a noise fast (no unnecessary computer time amoungst other things) but checked your blog today for no apparent reason. Now I know why. I will really be praying extra for you guys. Keep your spiritual eyes peeled, let go of your own expectations and let God do His thing! You’ll find your little ones!
Also, the desire to parent is a God-given blessing that will take you to a new level with Him. It is not selfish. It is the most unslefish thing you can possibly do. You will learn more about God from your relationship with your children than you have learned form any other medium in your life. God bless you in your journey.
Why is it bitter to think that you are robbing a poor country? You are buying a child from a family that has no money. Again someone takes the moral high ground and says that parents are unwilling to raise their children. How do you know they weren’t pressured and coerced into putting them into the orphanages? Told the child would have a better life in America? Do you consider poverty to be a form of unwillingness. And why do you keep saying that God is wanting you to do this? How do you know that God doesn’t want you to help a family to be united? Maybe it’s my spiritual eyes that are open? Maybe your reactions are bitter? What makes you so sure that what you are doing meets God’s approval?
And to Tonya,
how convenient to just think that the families were too lazy to want to raise the child and that they weren’t willing to do it and that it takes more than money. Yes, keep telling yourself that giving money is a waste of time you can better just steal the child instead. Throw in a couple of “Praise the lords” while you’re at it too. You think God asked you to adopt? Think again. Whenever someone starts to speak on behalf of God I know they are not good people. And you Tonya are not good people.
I’m sorry folks, but for the first time I’ve had to ban a user from commenting. I asked Jenny to keep her comments civil, but after the recent ad hominem attack on Tanya… that’s just too much. Thanks to everyone who has participated in the conversation with care and respect.
For those of you who may have been offended by my comment about raising children taking more than money, I would like to clarify… I am talking about extended family taking in the abandoned child of a relative. Many of these families already have their hands full with the family they have and are not able to parent another child for a myriad of reasons…not laziness. I should not have used the phrasing “don’t want to undertake” but instead “can’t undertake”. Raising a child is physical, emotional and spiritual journey (amongst other things) and it really does take more than money. I am sorry for any offense.
And to Jenny, I was not speaking for God. If you will re-read my comment, you will notice that I said “we feel like God has asked us to adopt”. Not ‘God says “You should adopt”. What you’re upset about is that I said I feel like I heard from God. He does speak to His children, you know. His sheep hear His voice and recognize it. I will not be responding to any more of your comments on this blog out of respect for Jodi. You should probably respect her also since she is a sister in Christ. Since you’re a Christian too, we can all hash this out in Heaven:):):) Until then!
Tonya
Thanks for your transparency - What a huge blessing to me personally right now and it certainly does make it easy to pray specifically. I have been praying for the things you’ve ask and that God will sustain you.
What a testimony it will be to your child/children when you are able to tell them how you searched for them and didn’t give up even though it was difficult and very painful. How you knew God would lead you to them.
I have been reflecting on Psalm 91 where David is resting in the shadow of the Almighty and under His wings - 1000 falling at his side and 10,000 at his right hand. I think the world is swirling around him and he’s in the middle of the craziness resting in God. As I read your entry, I couldn’t help but think God has you in that same safe place even though everything seems out of control. He is in control.
Much love and many prayers,
Bonnie M
One last thought - I am soooooo glad God adopted me into His family.