Jodi Speaks Her Mind

Adoption Process - Week 38 4/29/2005

I’ve been in list mode again this week only now the lists seem to have much more meaning! Having a specific date brings a new reality to the process that has had a much greater impact than I even anticipated. This is no small statement given how obsessed I was about getting that date.

We did manage to purchase our plane tickets this week, which is really exciting, though let me just make it clear for anybody who wasn’t sure - travel to/from Europe in the summertime is expensive! There must be an amazingly special child there just at that time for us to meet and bring home that wouldn’t have been available at any other time. This thought is quite profound, though it embodies the attitude and belief we have maintained throughout the process - i.e. that there is a specific child God means to be in our family, and He is orchestrating the circumstances so that our meeting and merge is assured. What a thrill to watch it played out and even moreso to be an integral part of it and primary recipient of the blessing!!

There is also something very deep, maternal, and mysterious taking place in me. I don’t know that I could effectively explain it even if I really tried. I am sensing new motivations in myself, changes in approaches and attitudes, processing information in different ways than before, and most of all just feeling a lot of emotions that are totally new! I even had an amazingly vivid dream about a boy that we had adopted, and I interacted with him briefly in a most intense, powerful, and intimate way! Considering how rarely I dream anything even remotely linear, this was indescribably amazing. I just see myself changing right before my own eyes, and it is a rather uncomfortable experience while at the same time somehow magical and wonderful. It is as though I am someone else’s work in progress. Hmmm….

I shared some of these feelings with a friend of mine and she said that God is preparing me for motherhood. Wow. Me, a mother? Is it possible that what was at first desired and assumed, then sought, then evaded , then demanded, then surrendered, and now waited for, is soon upon me?!?

I truly haven’t the words…